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Be Young. Have Fun. Stay Single

"I think that a) you have an act, and that b) not having an act is your act." 

- Quote from the cult classic film,  Singles.

How do you know when you love someone? 

I've been married twice and I still don't know. 

I also have this insatiable ability to generally fuck things up in pretty much every relationship since. 

In fact, when I tell anyone that knows me that I may be interested in someone, like clockwork their responses are: "don't overthink and don't fuck it up." 

I am watching that movie Singles now, and nothing has changed. 

Fuck, if it were different I would be surprised. 

Love, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, it's all a damn game. 

Drama. 

One that I have zero clues on how to play. 

Yet, after watching Singles for the umpteenth time, this film makes more sense than ever before. 

That love I wrote about in the last two posts? 

Yeah, it's already over. 

Am I wrecked about it? 

No. 

Let me write that again. 

Am I wrecked about it? 

A little. 

To tell you the truth, after he said "I think I should make you my girlfriend" after a night of really intense sex (our sex was always, always really intense) I started to feel... suffocated. 

I was kinda enjoying the high,  and during our arguments, he voiced that he was too. 

We were both floating in that love bubble of seeing where everything goes and letting it flow naturally. 

I mean, we'd been friends for 8 years. 

We have a history. 

A past. 

We care about each other. 

I am not telling you that him saying that is what ruined everything... 

It was two days later when he withdrew that statement after I said yes, I would be his girlfriend. 

A "yes" coming from someone who has spent the last decade choosing to be single. 

Yeah, that night when he said that? 

It was definitely the sex making the decision for him. 

So how did I fuck it up you ask? 

I gave him shit about his ex that he used to pine over and call me every time she pissed him off or didn't do what he felt she should do, or how she was like a stiff board in bed and would just lay there as if she were one of those frigid bitches who wear flannel to sleep and is always pulling the sheets up under their chin so you can't see them naked. 

He said she closed her legs every time he tried, like she'd lost the key to her chastity belt, or might burn in the flames of hell's fire from sinning sexually before marriage, although she had a kid already, whom of which he despised. 

He also said that she made him feel like a teenager and he chased her for a long, long time after breaking it off from dating her for a year or so, five years prior to now. 

She's pretty. 

She's also a snob. 

He threw her in my face two years ago. 

Literally shoved her in my direction at some random club downtown. 

She came at me, almost tripping on her heels attached to her long, giraffe-like legs, giggling. 

Outside of her looks, for the life of me, I couldn't see why he would be so in love with this woman. 

She didn't even talk. 

She had her male friend do the talking for her. 

Also, for the life of me, was not sure why he felt we needed to meet. 

Maybe he was on to me that I caught some damn feelings after all of the time we were spending together? 

He was the only one at the time that actually accepted me for me, flaws and all. 

Being around him felt like home. 

Was he trying to get rid of me? 

Make me or even her jealous because she wasn't falling for him again like he'd hoped? 

In my eyes, it was pretty cruel and mean. 

We were all drinking, and let's just say the evening did not bode well for me. 

I ended up walking home alone, and he ended up dancing around with her posting it on Instagram. 

Why are men so stupid? 

- I should talk, I was still emotionally attached to someone myself... 

But it didn't matter, because we really were just friends, and he didn't lead me to believe otherwise. 

He and I stopped speaking for 6 months (maybe 8) after that. 

So why is she suddenly in the picture again after he and I get together after years of pretending we don't care? 

- This past month made that pretty obvious that we do. 

Who knows... but I flipped my shit and well, accused his pulling back on his newfound "friendship" with her. 

Needless to say... he thinks I am shit and says he's just doing some graphic work for her folk's new business logo. 

No surprise he feels this way about me. 

Most of the men that I have kept around as "friends" do, or they are mad at me for something...

It's always something. 

Now we are not speaking and despite apologies and the attempts at apologies - I left a ginger plant outside his door with a single note that read, "I'm sorry."

By the way,  is that weird? 

Despite the intense daily if not every other day sex fest we had for over a month, the sweetness that I have never experienced from him before by being vulnerable with his feelings, cooking for me, loving on me, letting me in... 

Asking me to read his stories that he writes, and basically filleting himself wide open in every aspect through dialect, intimacy, and sex; I went and gave him a hard time based on past unresolved feelings. 

God, I am going to miss that man. 

Why do I say it like that?

Because he's fucking stubborn, and I probably won't hear from him again. 

Sigh.   

Sucks. 

Big time. 

But then again, even if we were "in a relationship" would we be happy? 

I doubt it. 

Although my motto (and I wrote this in the last blog) is all about zero expectations... There he went having expectations from me (to be perfect) and there I went, requiring expectations from him. To forgive me for being a bitch. 

Just a game. 

All of it. 

A means to no end. 

No one is happy, and yeah... we ALL have expectations. 

Even when it's unintentional. 


Being alone. 

It has a certain dignity to it. 

Then again, what the fuck do I know. 







Comments

  1. Replies
    1. I think it is actually for the best. We both got to experience each other's emotional maturity earlier than later. I think we may have been a little overwhelmed. It was really nice while it lasted. Yeah, it would be great if he were more understanding, but he isn't. That's okay. I am just not the right woman for him, and I am mature enough to handle that.

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  2. He was probably actually telling me the truth. I don't blame him for being mad. If I weren't so emotionally messed up myself, that word "girlfriend" which I am positive stemmed a fear fest in both of us "free-spirits" things may have had more time to evolve and form dual trust. As is, I lost a friend, and now, a lover...

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